a full one year of marriage

yup! I can't believe that we are in our first year of marriage. So Happy Anniversary for both of us.

In this first year, there're so many things happened. good ones, great ones and the best ones, also not to forget the bad, the worse and the worst! I've been faced with the reality that my hubby is not that perfect. I've been disappointed with that fact and I'm angry, or I can say "furious". I was at the "I hate you" phase. I were regretting this marriage. We fight all the time and mostly I threaten him by leaving for good. The "baby" thing also bother me so bad. It stressed me out. Since it's been a year and there's no baby in progress. Also he has no intention for trying or doing something. I'm the one who try everything. Go to the doctor, drink the meds, drink chinese meds, the pregnancy milk, everything. I saw him like he doesn't want to have any kids. Boy, I really hate him at that time.

At this first year, I also bothered that we still have nothing to call our own. Like our own house or our own business. I'm shocked since this is not like I imagine before. Maybe I was expecting too much of this marriage, him and everything.

At this moment, I'm trying to face the realities and accept them all. I'm trying to accept the way he is, how imperfect he is. That's what we call marriage, right?

I wish on our second year of marriage, we can be more stable and maybe baby on the way *amen!*

Bao, thou I hate you so much but I still in love with you each and everyday! Happy 1st Anniversary.

a day before getting older and hopefully wiser

yup, today is 30th August 2011. Another year for getting older and *has to be* wiser. It's quite shocked for me since the situation, the condition aren't same with past few years. I have no family around me, no Papa Mama Ai Sinyo and Meme here with me celebrating my bday. I only have hubby which also forget my bday. I can assure you all that he has nothing on his mind for my bday gift *sigh*

The condition, the house maids are coming home, so they're not available helping us. It means that I am the substitute house maid. So I guess I'm going to spend my bday by doing house cleaning. Also on my bday there's Mubarak's Day. Not similar like Surabaya or other big cities, in Palu, all the restaurants are closed during the holiday and not short holiday, they close for almost a week *what a bday*

I thought it's gonna be fun celebrating my bday with hubby, for the first time, facing the new 3-0. Yup, I'm going to be 30 this year. Age is just a number right? Well, it matters for me. At this age, I still have nothing. I have no house to call on my own, have no children *yet* and have no prosper career. I only have hubby in this age.

Just for reminder, I have lots of dreams to catch but only one of them came true. Yup, married with my best friend, thou it doesn't go like I wanted. At this moment, I have no more intention/ambition for dreaming again. Have no guts. Since I always end up with disappointment.

Guess tomorrow morning, no more Mama's misoa to eat. Miss them. I still remembered that I never like eating that misoa, but now I miss it so much.

Dear God, I have no more wish, I just ask I can be a better person on my 3-0. Thank You.

almost a year

finally, I can get my internet connection after been almost a year here in Lala Land. Maybe it's not that fast but it's better than nothing.

Quite much things happened in my marriage life. I figured it out that it's not easy. All I was thinking about my dream marriage in bullshit. It's not a fairy tale after all. We finally see that it's not about me and you anymore, it is US.

Also there are lots of things with in-laws. New house, new family, new rules. But I have principle "rules are meant to be broken" Hahahahahahahaha, I still have my rebel soul deep down.

A week ago, I really in my lowest point, I'm angry at myself, hubby, even Jesus. I was mad because of my condition. I don't like it, I don't like it here. People said that home is where your heart is, but mine isn't here. I do love my hubby and wanna be with him, but sometimes my ego wins the battle.

I was disappointed that my marriage is not perfect. Hey, everyone is not perfect. So welcome to the club. Friend told me that whether is perfect or not, what inside your heart and soul are matters.

Same like happiness, it depends on your mind and your heart. If you can enjoy life, you will be happy thou you have nothing else but love. Yup, love. You have someone to love and love you all the rest of your life, be happy and I'm lucky I have him as my hubby, my partner and my soul guard.

I'm still learning, life is a process. All I have to do is just sit back and enjoy the process.

Guess it is enough for now. Dun worry coz I have my connection already, so I will try to put some words of my complexity life in Lala Land.

Nitey