a full one year of marriage

yup! I can't believe that we are in our first year of marriage. So Happy Anniversary for both of us.

In this first year, there're so many things happened. good ones, great ones and the best ones, also not to forget the bad, the worse and the worst! I've been faced with the reality that my hubby is not that perfect. I've been disappointed with that fact and I'm angry, or I can say "furious". I was at the "I hate you" phase. I were regretting this marriage. We fight all the time and mostly I threaten him by leaving for good. The "baby" thing also bother me so bad. It stressed me out. Since it's been a year and there's no baby in progress. Also he has no intention for trying or doing something. I'm the one who try everything. Go to the doctor, drink the meds, drink chinese meds, the pregnancy milk, everything. I saw him like he doesn't want to have any kids. Boy, I really hate him at that time.

At this first year, I also bothered that we still have nothing to call our own. Like our own house or our own business. I'm shocked since this is not like I imagine before. Maybe I was expecting too much of this marriage, him and everything.

At this moment, I'm trying to face the realities and accept them all. I'm trying to accept the way he is, how imperfect he is. That's what we call marriage, right?

I wish on our second year of marriage, we can be more stable and maybe baby on the way *amen!*

Bao, thou I hate you so much but I still in love with you each and everyday! Happy 1st Anniversary.

a day before getting older and hopefully wiser

yup, today is 30th August 2011. Another year for getting older and *has to be* wiser. It's quite shocked for me since the situation, the condition aren't same with past few years. I have no family around me, no Papa Mama Ai Sinyo and Meme here with me celebrating my bday. I only have hubby which also forget my bday. I can assure you all that he has nothing on his mind for my bday gift *sigh*

The condition, the house maids are coming home, so they're not available helping us. It means that I am the substitute house maid. So I guess I'm going to spend my bday by doing house cleaning. Also on my bday there's Mubarak's Day. Not similar like Surabaya or other big cities, in Palu, all the restaurants are closed during the holiday and not short holiday, they close for almost a week *what a bday*

I thought it's gonna be fun celebrating my bday with hubby, for the first time, facing the new 3-0. Yup, I'm going to be 30 this year. Age is just a number right? Well, it matters for me. At this age, I still have nothing. I have no house to call on my own, have no children *yet* and have no prosper career. I only have hubby in this age.

Just for reminder, I have lots of dreams to catch but only one of them came true. Yup, married with my best friend, thou it doesn't go like I wanted. At this moment, I have no more intention/ambition for dreaming again. Have no guts. Since I always end up with disappointment.

Guess tomorrow morning, no more Mama's misoa to eat. Miss them. I still remembered that I never like eating that misoa, but now I miss it so much.

Dear God, I have no more wish, I just ask I can be a better person on my 3-0. Thank You.

almost a year

finally, I can get my internet connection after been almost a year here in Lala Land. Maybe it's not that fast but it's better than nothing.

Quite much things happened in my marriage life. I figured it out that it's not easy. All I was thinking about my dream marriage in bullshit. It's not a fairy tale after all. We finally see that it's not about me and you anymore, it is US.

Also there are lots of things with in-laws. New house, new family, new rules. But I have principle "rules are meant to be broken" Hahahahahahahaha, I still have my rebel soul deep down.

A week ago, I really in my lowest point, I'm angry at myself, hubby, even Jesus. I was mad because of my condition. I don't like it, I don't like it here. People said that home is where your heart is, but mine isn't here. I do love my hubby and wanna be with him, but sometimes my ego wins the battle.

I was disappointed that my marriage is not perfect. Hey, everyone is not perfect. So welcome to the club. Friend told me that whether is perfect or not, what inside your heart and soul are matters.

Same like happiness, it depends on your mind and your heart. If you can enjoy life, you will be happy thou you have nothing else but love. Yup, love. You have someone to love and love you all the rest of your life, be happy and I'm lucky I have him as my hubby, my partner and my soul guard.

I'm still learning, life is a process. All I have to do is just sit back and enjoy the process.

Guess it is enough for now. Dun worry coz I have my connection already, so I will try to put some words of my complexity life in Lala Land.

Nitey

My last birthday as a single

Yup, kemaren tanggal 31 Agustus 2010 adalah ulang tahun saya terakhir sebagai lajang. Hahahaha. Agak aneh emang ngomongnya but it is the truth karena tahun depan ulang tahunnya ga sendiri lagi. Yay.

Pertama kali berpikiran kalau tahun ini ulang tahunnya ga bakal seru secara meme sudah tidak di Indo n yohan lagi merantau. Hiks, agak males mau ngerayain. Ternyata pas tengah malam, banyak sekali yang kasih ucapan selamat, sampe blackberry harus disilent tuk ga ganggu beauty sleep ku. Wakakakaka.

Biasanya kalo ultah, selalu ada kejutan dari meme. Setiap kali habis mandi, dikamar selalu ada bday gift. But not this time. So agak kehilangan. Darn I miss my sista. Plan mau bangun pagi ternyata ga bisa :p hehehehe, so like always mama harus bangunin. Tapi kali ini banguninnya laen, nadanya laen. Mungkin aku lagi ultah so nada e merdu. Wakakakakaka.

Dibawah sudah menunggu misoa plus telur utuh yang harus dimakan habis. Ohhhhhhh senangnya kalo ultah, selalu merasa istimewa. Pas dikerjaan like always, bosan setengah mati karna ga ada kerjaan. Tapi yang istimewa, mau lunch bareng temen2 di bakso Gun. Setahun yang lalu, traktirannya juga di bakso Gun, cuman orang banyak. Tahun ini cuman bertiga, emang lebih sedikit tapi ga bokek. Wakakakakaka.

Habis perut kenyang, balik ke sekolah, n maen capsa banting sambil nyanyi pake gitar. Wahhhh seru, masio jauh dari meriah tapi kesannya lain.

Also ultah taon ini beda krn ada temen edun nelpon pas aq dah mimpi indah cmn tuk ngucapin happy bday. Terharu sih terharu tapi akunya jadi ga isa tidur sampai dini hari. Ya it's ok lah, kapan lagi dia bisa ganggu kek kemaren. Tapi ya jok sering2!

Ultah tahun ini juga semakin membuka mata saya kalau keluarga emang paling seru! Paling sayang n selalu bisa diandalkan. Hiks, apa karna habis ini mau nikah ya jadinya bawaannya mellow. But overall I do love my family and I'm so proud having them as a part of my life!

Gonna miss you Pa, Ma

A problem's solved, a new one strikes!

These past weeks have been my toughest weeks ever in preparing my marriage. Lots of stressful things happened. I'm so exhausted, physically and mentally. One problem is solved, another is coming, it's like a satanic circle. Keep round and round and round. Like there's no end.

After I finished with church thing, then I have to deal with legal stuff. Another crazy thoughts and another fight. Yet we can solved this, once again. But another is already on the waiting list.

This preparing is supposed to be fun, happy and lots of excitements. I do, really! I'm so exciting when we're shopping for our room, our bathroom, our wardrobe. Buying this, buying those. I was tired *physically* but yet I enjoyed it.

Entering to technical stuff like church, legal stuff, hotel etc, they are like nightmares to me. I'm panicked all the time.

But I always keep my sister's line in mind, she said "This is your wedding, your dream comes true, so enjoy it. Just sit back and make it fun. Enjoy while you still can since it's not coming twice"

Yup, this is my marriage, my dream comes true, I've been waiting for this long time ago, so I won't make any stupid things let this marriage down. Never!!!

This is only the beginning of our new level, it's like our pre-trial. We're going to prove that we can handle these all. Because I have one great Lord at my side and hubby-to-be at the other side.

So problems, BRING IT ON!!!!!

Another fight, another negotiation

It's getting closer to our wedding and lots of tension for both us. We had another fight and now it's about pre-marital test. I thought that it's important for both of us, but he had different perspective about it.

Once again I let my ego and my emotion dealt with it instead of having discussion with open mind about that test. Luckily I have a great hubby-to-be, he really understand me so well. But he taught me something, he said to me that if we are having disagreement of something, we have to discuss with no emotion and not involving any egos.

I don't know whether this marriage effects me or this is a real me?

I'm so scared.

12 June 2010

That was my last date seeing those kids. That was the date of my last job as a teacher. Sad because I'm going to miss those moments. Moments with those kids. It almost 1 year in teaching them. Never know that this job will make me feeling like this. Wish I can be a teacher in my earlier time. But it's ok. It's enough for me since I had a chance for knowing them, for teaching them and for being someone in their life.

Thank you for everything kids, thank you for making my life brighter.

Wish you all will always remember me as your teacher.

Hugs.