Get married

My little sister is getting married soon. She asked me last night, is it ok for me if she and her boyfriend would like to get married this year. It shocked me for a while, gave me like 10 secs before I answered "Yes, it's fine".

But why I cried last night and this heart felt so hurt. I guess I can't take the reality that my sister will get married soon.

Silly

Ash Wednesday

Today is an Ash Wednesday … the day to start the 40days atonement before Easter. We called it Pre-Easter. For 40 days, we are fasting and doing prohibition. But the important thing is our humble heart in doing it. Our J doesn’t need our fasting and prohibitions, He needs our heart through the process. So we can learn to be humble and try not to make our sins going larger.

For me, this moment is like another chance to be J’s good girl. He gives me another opportunities to win His heart once again. So hopefully I can do better this year since I never had the full fasting and prohibitions.

It’s gonna be hard since I’m quick-hungry person. Hahahaha. But I will do everything as long as J is in my side and hold my hand. I can do it. .Jia you.

Me, she and him ...

Being the eldest in the family is not like the privileges that I wanted. But I couldn't choose. I have 1 little sister and 1 little brother. The youngest one is 13 years younger than me and he's the only son, so it's like a little king in the house.

I'm not envy him, it just all the mistakes that he has done, always put my neck on the line. My dad always put him on my responsible. At some ages, I think it's OK. But until now, my dad still put the responsible on me. He's already 15 years old now. I think he already knew good and bad things, and the things or decision he ever taken are his responsible.

Also my sister, she never let me be the big sister. She always handle the problems, always think forward. I guess she should be the big sister instead of me.

This morning, my mom will fly to Balikpapan, for work and she told me to take care the house and my sist and my bro. Guess I will have a chance to be big sister in the house (again)

Mall and fashion show

This Saturday I went to TP since my friends wanted us to meet her there. Actually I wasn't that excited to go to TP on Saturday night since it will be difficult to find the parking and lots of people will go there since TP is in the center of Surabaya.

And I was right .... like I always be .... it still 8 o'clock in the evening, but TP already crowded with lots of people from different types. What bothering me most is the way they look, their style option for hang out at TP. For me it's too over since the way you wear like you want to go the club and get drunk. Wow.

I guess these people showed off. TP is a mall but for some people, mall is a fashion show stage.

That's why I'd rather go to GM instead of TP. Not comfy and the rest rooms are not that clean and we have to pay first. *sigh*

What Bestfriend is supposed to mean?

For me bestfriend is everything, more than my family since I wasn't that close with my family. More than my boyfriend (before I met Yohan, of course). Thou I'm being with Yohan, I still find a way and time to hang out with my BFF I share everything with my BFF. My happiness, my sadness, my dreams, my angers, my sense of being funny. Bottom line is I love my BFF.

Last Saturday we had a triple dates. Me with Yohan, my BFF, Sari with her "male friend" (I'm writing this since I still have no boyfriend notification from her) and my college friend, Vera with her boyfriend.

I've heard about her "male friend" several times, but she always make me think that they are friends. But what I see last Saturday, it's not a friend bond for me. You will not have a shared drink with your "male friend". You will not feel comfy if he touched your shoulder at photo section and you will not holding hands with you "male friend".

I'm shocked but I didn't want to ruin that nite, since it was for Vera. Vera was visiting us and having fun.

I have no problem whether that "male friend" is not chinese or has a different religion with you, but at least she can share me something or tell me that he is her boyfriend.

I thought she was different with my ex BFF. She also did the same thing a long time ago. She used to say that she need no man to be with, but after she found a guy who want to be with her, she forgot everything, including her BFFs. And I will not forgive her for that. Never!

I guess I'm expecting too much from her. As long as she's happy, it's fine by me.

But for now on, I will not put large expectation for someone else since it's damn hurt ......

Guess, I already missed the meaning of having bestfriend or bestfriend it self.

Missing you

Lately I never had a proper conversation with my dad. For it kinda strange, since I'm closer to my dad than my mom. All the conversations always end up with a arguer and sometimes a fight. He's changed. He's not like the fun dad I've known before. He keep talking about marriages and I hate to hear that. Useless and pointless.

I really wish he could understand me like he always did before. At this point I really wish I'm not the elder in the family. I don't want to be a first daughter. I didn't choose it.

I love my dad and keep trying to be his best daughter he ever had. But sometime, he has to realize that I'm not that good. I'm Me and don't want to be anyone else.

Miss the old you, pa.

My old fren n his advices ...

I got a call from my old friend last nite. We rarely had conversation lately. Since both of us are busy .... (cie). Like usual we asked about our present condition and how's life on our opinion. Then suddenly he popped out a question. A question that I was thinking about last year and still get no answer. And he brought it back right in front of my cute face.

After the call I couldn't sleep even I want to since I was sleepy last nite. I keep thinking about what he said. Then I (just) realised that he's a complicated person. He is a think-then-do person and I'm do-then-think kind of person. And I hate him for that, since he always corrects me. For me, such an acne in my face.

But the main problem is not him, it's me. I still have no answer for that question and at some point he made me become unsteady with the decision I already made. But I guess, he just want to best for me. Maybe, he got a crush on me *wink wink*

Bottom line is I should find the answer ASAP and let's hope it's the right one. He suggested to have A MOMENT ( I caps it since he pressed the word while we're talking last nite) with J. Pray and seek what J want me to find. It's gonna be hard to do. Since my relationship with J is not that firm lately. That's why I asked him to pray for me and tell my what is the answer. Hahahaha ..... since he's quite close with J. I think he's one of J's fav son.

Just now he sent me a text, insisted me to get the moment and try not to run away from life. Since life is teaching you about everything and making you to be a great person indeed, just like J want to.

J bless me .... Ameen ....

16th February 2009

What a day today? So many anger. I'm so damn rage today.

Kerjaan benernya udah beres, semua di tangan custom. I can't do anything accept waiting n praying. Tapi kesannya dia g mau peduli, dia mau tau beres. Ga mau bayar sewa gudang yg banyak (itupun krn kesalahan kalkulasi dia). Seharusnya dia tau betul cara kerja custom krn dia udah lama di bidang ini. Tapi napa kesannya g mau tau. Udah gt ngomongnya g etis di istilah perkantoran.

I didn't hate the job, I hate him.

Arghh..... membulatkan tekad tuk resign after this project. Biar ga ada tanggungan.

My family is an old-fashioned Chinese family. I'm the eldest on that family. My dad is expecting me to get married soonest. I did mentioned to him that I would like to have my career first. He wasn't happy with that. Since my sista's boyfriend is going to propose her soon and she won't be able to get married if I'm not doing it before her. The pressure is on.

I do like to get married soon but I need my and me personal time first. Also it's not that easy getting hitched and settle down. Lots of things to reconsider, remembering that there will be 2 big families involve.

I want to get married because I want to not because I have to. Also I'm still afraid of life after marriage. For me is a giant step to make.

I really wish my dad can understand about it.

Candle Light Dinner & Valentine

Today is Valentine's day. Lost of couples, mostly, will celebrate valentine with candle light dinner. Since it's romantic and suits the event.

I was having dinner at steak restaurant with my boyfriend and his sista. At the first time, there weren't lots of people dine in. But after 5.30-6.00 lots of people were coming and mostly are couples. Then situation become very crowded. So noisy for me and I couldn't enjoy my steak.

While I was paying attention to them, something crossed my mind. Is it romantic? Is it candle light dinner that we really wanted? For me, it's not. The essence of romance is missing. Even the waitress shares us roses and chocos but still I didn't get the feeling. Lucky I was not celebrating valentine, so it's fine by me.

For me, you don't have to wait the valentine day to have a candle light dinner. You can have your own candle light dinner, in your own valentine day. It's more romantic to have it without people from around the world celebrate it. It's more personal. Personal is romantic.

So .... every day is valentine day ... and you can have your candle light dinner every nights ... hahaha .....

Tips from me if you insist to have a candle light dinner on valentine day : just find a really private place to have it , eg : cemetery.