Teaching

Yes, that is my new job. Teaching english for kids. 3 and 4 years old kids. Boys and Girls. Looks like this job is easy *at the first time* but after I dealt it few weeks, I found out that this job is not easy as it looks. Every class is a test for me. The cases are not similar with the previous class. There will be a new challenge, a new case and a new silliness.

Those kids are so funny and they're little devil at the same time. They can eat you alive if you're not prepared yourself. But if you can accomplish your mission and teach them a new thing, you will have this feeling. Proud feeling. I love that feeling. Especially if they're looking for me, holding my hands, hugging me and calling me "Miss Mela"

Thou I feel tired after teaching but their smile really can brighten up my mood once again.

This job is not easy, will never be easy, but I enjoy it. This job needs my creativity and my heart. Yes, my heart. I will need my heart for teaching them since it's not only teaching but also making a new character in those tiny bodies.

"I am special, I am special, God loves me, God loves me. Nobody the same as me, because I'm special, God loves me"

What did I get from Donggala?

2 weeks ago I went to Donggala, a small city in Mid Sulawesi. It's my bf hometown. I stayed there for almost 2 weeks and I got lots of things. They can be some review for my complex life.

But it was not like a common vacation. Even I was in my holiday, but in working days, I helped my bf and his parents at their business shop. It sells anything. Just name it and they will provide it for you. At first, I had objection since I was planning to enjoy my holiday and didn't want to work. But I felt terrible. I learned something. This shop will be mine someday (if I get married with my bf) and I have to know this shop more. Learn about the goods, the warehouses and the systems.

Then I had some a competition with the other daughter-in-laws. She can cook and the taste is quite nice. Also she can clean the house, do the laundry and wash the dishes. What a perfect wife. I lost my self esteem, my confident. I'm afraid that my future parents-in-law will love her more and will compare both of us. That's why I hate her so much.

But one day, something happened. I was in the house with her and my bf's mom. Since I hate of being a bitch, so I started to make a proper conversation with her (most of our previous conversations filled with cynical). Then I realized that she's not that bad. She's nice and she's willing to teach me some recipes (It feels like I got heart attack). Suddenly something crossed my mind. It wasn't her fault that she's better that me in everything. It's my own fault. I'm the one who don't want to learn how to cook, how to clean the house, how to wash the dishes or do the laundry. I have a working woman in my mind set. Fortunately, I still have time to learn those. My goal is being a complete woman. Half working woman and half wife.

Regarding the parents-in-law, I don't care if they don't like me. I'm trying to do my best to be their good daughter-in-law. Not the best or the perfect daughter-in-law. Hopefully they can love as their own daughter.

One step at a time

That's what I need to do these days. One step at a time. There's no need to rush. Just be blessed all the time and keep saying grace. But it's so hard to do you know. So damn hard. It's easy to say.

Well, I really need to gather up and make peace with myself.

Things are getting hard and I have to survive and be tougher.

"Every time you wake up in the morning, say grace since you have one more chance to life"

25.06.03

"Ko, aku ga mau pacaran jarak jauh, ga isa, ga enak jadi e. Mesti ta lu balek?"
"Lho kita ini sek pacaran ta? Bukan e wes calon suami istri, sek mikir pacaran jarak jauh ta? Aku ini pulang gae lu, nyiapno kabeh gae kita merit. Sek abot ta? Tunggu ya. Jok ninggalno koko, ga isa hidup tanpa lu. Please. Tinggal sitik lagi."

It's been 6 years already for both us. Finally we can get our happiness soon *cross finger*

It's surprised me since I never get along with a guy, a single guy this long, 6 years! Guess he has something inside that makes me fall in love with him.

But it's not easy to have this relationship. So many obstacles and winding roads. Those made we hold hand to be together until now. Been rejected for almost 3 years, lost my faith to him but still he never gives up on me. He keeps holding me tight and loving me that much until both of us can have the blessings.

Now we're preparing a new path for both us. It's not the end of our journey but it's a new one. Our relationship is entering new level with new obstacles and winding roads. If both of us can handle those, then we surely can handle these ones.

Just want to say "Happy 6th Anniversary"
Maybe you're not with me to celebrate this but I'm sure that you will beside me when we're celebrating our 10th and 25th wedding anniversary *ide dari Cen2*

One more year and then we can be together forever. It's like a dream come true for me, ko. Thank you for making it happen. Love you always.

"Sori nek misale Bing suka marah, tapi lu sayang soale Bing marah2 toh. Hehehe"

Generals

Lots of stories that I like to share here. Eng ..... which one ya? How about I'll tell you one by one, based on my memories (wkwkwkwkwk).

Last night, I was invited by Yohan's dad for having a last dinner since he's going to fly to Donggala this morning with Yohan's granny. I felt sungkan *sorry since I don't know the English for sungkan* hahahaha. But Yohan insisted me to go, so I filled the invitation and brought something for Yohan's mom *nge-suek nie*.

We had dinner in XO suki with my future dad-in-law's relatives *mumet ah*, Yohan's uncles and aunties. I was sitting next Yohan's granny. "Mati kon" that the first words across my mind. Since I'm not that kind of girl, seng bisa manis2 mulut n manis2 tingkahe. But I do respect older people, since my parent taught me that. Cuman ga tau mau ngomong apa sama Amak, since dari language juga agak2 ga nyambung *u know the accents*. But I DO behave. Ngambilin makanan buat mak, ngambilin mie dari hot pot *I'm sooooo lucky, soale biasa e susah amir ngambil mie di XO suki nek pake cedok, tapi kemaren bisa* Juga nanya2in Amak, mau nambah lagi ga. Hehehehehe overall lumayan lah, maybe next time aku bisa lebih akrab ma Amak. Gimana2 bakal jadi Amak ku juga kan.

Btw dapet bocoran, kalo aku dibilang lebih supel n lebih suka ngomong *positif ga sih* Ambil hikmah nya aja, at least keluarga besar e Yohan welcomes me to the family *yeah*.

This morning, I had a heavy conversation with my mom. It's quite rare since I never share anything with my mom, only share funny things not heavy ones. I told her that I'm going to resign this July and she's fine with it *fyi, mama ku ga suka liat anak2 e nganggur di rumah*. I also told her that I'm going to learn about my mom's job at her family since Yohan has a plan for our future. She said OK, and she'll support me, she's also going to tell her sist to help me and guide me while I'm Jakarta. Yup, I'm going to Jakarta learning my mom's bussiness. Yihaaaaaa.

It's going to be a tough fight in a hard way, but I will try, I want to learn, at least I don't want just sit waiting for someone offers me something. But I have to chase, I have to grab the opportunities that I still have in my life.

So ..... let's fighting.

THIS IS MY LIFE ........

(that's all that I wanted to share with you guys)

10th July 2009

Finally, I can get my freedom. I never feel this relieved. Oh ......

On that day, I'll be walked out from this office, from "hell" of mine. My feelings are mixed. I'm happy yet confused for looking a new job, but for now I'm very glad.

During the resign process, there are lots of things happened. My feelings to my sister is getting stronger, our bond is getting solid more than ever. My faith is being renewed itself. I'm getting wiser and more patience in dealing things. Important is I know my self better, who I am at this point, at this moment.

I think I learned my lesson, changed my point of view.

Regarding the job, once again, it's not the job that I hate, but the management and stuffs. Overall, I quite enjoy the job and I have lots of experiences. Knowing lots of people from different countries, learning their cultures and having their friendships. Hopefully, we can still be friends.

I'm gambling, but there's always a risk I have to take. There's always a consequence from a decision I made. But it's life and I have to live with it.

So ..... fighting ...... a more giant step to go .... jia you ...

NB : thanks to all you, who keep me supported. Without you all, I'm nothing. Love you, thank you for being my friends and being there when I need you.

God bless

The Main Reason

I'm exhausted and depressed these couple months. I already made decision that I resign from my current job.

It's not the job that I hate, but the company, the people, the management and the owner himself.

Since I have a contract with the company and they hold my certificate, so I need to play with their rules. Also I have in mind, I need to resign nicely.

On my contract, I need to find substitute or replacement for my position in this company. The substitutes have to be fitted with company's description or I can say my boss' description. One month after that I can leave the company with my certificate in hand. That's what stated in the contract.

The reality is suck. Him too. Realized it long time ago, but still .... stupid me. I guess what my friend told me is right, I'm sooooooooo easy to be abused.

I put the advertisement for looking employees, but he rejected all. He said he needs a person with 3 years experiences, graduated from engineering college and he needs a SHE. Yes, he needs women. It's gonna be hard to find. DAMN!!!!

Sometimes I wanna kill him with my own hand.

He's like a devil for me. It's the main reason I quit the job, he's not a good influence for me and my life.

I really need a miracle. HUGE miracles.

My Angels and My Demons

Pas kemaren liat Angels and Demons - Tom Hanks, ga kepikiran nek bakal dapet suatu centilan. Biasa e kalo liat film2 ya buat hiburan doang.

Meski film itu fiksi, tapi kalo sampe Mas Dan Brown bisa menulis permasalahan seperti itu, kan ada sebab-musababnya, pasti ada sumbernya. Ga bakal ada asap kalo ga ada api.

Ya semua agama memang tidak ada yang sempurna, termasuk agamaku. Tapi manusia nya juga ga sempurna kan? Bagaimana kita menginterpretasikan ajaran agama itu yang penting.

Aku punya luka batin terhadap agamaku dan Tuhan. Sudah lama aku ga baikan dengan Tuhan ku, yang bikin aku jadi males ke gereja.

Habis liat Angels and Demons, aku sadar kalo yang salah bukan Tuhan ku. Orang-orangnya. Termasuk aku. Aku adalah ciptaan Tuhan yang ga sempurna banget. But still .... Tuhan ga capek2 buat aku lebih sempurna ya ga?

We'll see lah. But for now, I believe in my God not the church.

Ayu n Ganteng

Beberapa orang bilang aku ini ga ayu, tapi ga sedikit juga orang bilang aku ini ayu *ini termasuk yohan, meme, mbe orang rumah*

Menurut aku sendiri sih *tiap kali ngaca* emang aku ayu. Ya kadang bisa jadi ga ayu sih. Tapi aku cukup pede tuk merasa aku ini ayu.

Tuk masalah pasangan, orang-orang sudah mempunyai pandangan kalo orang ayu pantesnya ma orang ganteng *kacian yang jelek dong*

Aku emang ga ayu, so aku ga berharap dapat pacar ganteng. Tapi kalo misalnya ada pria ganteng *disini aku pake pria instead of cowo, karena aku lebih suka pria daripada cowo* mau sama aku and menerima diriku yang tidak terlalu ayu ini, aku rasa itu anugerah *plus kalo pria nya itu berke-"pribadi"-an*.

Yohan emang ga ganteng *bagi kebanyakan orang* tapi bagi aku, dia cukup ganteng kok. Dengan berpakaian rapi and wangi, itu udah ganteng bagi aku. Yang terpenting, hati Yohan itu ganteng. Dia sangat humoris meski kadang agak garing sedikit. Dia baik hati meski menurut aku he's Devil inside an Angel's look.

So, I think we already be a perfect couple by being ourselves in our imperfection.

Acer Aspire 4935

It's my first laptop. Ever. I never had a laptop before and after work 4 years in my "lovely" company, I can have a laptop *but not as my own and personal laptop*

The company bought me Acer since they think it's laptop with nice performance and quality with nice price also.

Eventhou, it's not my own personal thing, but I treated it that way. No one can use or touch my laptop *accept D of course*, and no flash disk can easily attach to it. I'm so overprotected with it *since D gave me a lot of responsible for it* (damn).

If you're asking me about the performance, I'm afraid I cannot help with this one. But I can inform you why I'm so in love with this thing. First, it's portable, so I can take it everywhere I am (doh). I also can listen to my fav musics, watch dvds, and enjoy browsing with high speed. But the most important thing is it has internal bluetooth. Yupz. So I can download musics, and put my pics from my lovely E51, and share what I want to share to world with this.



Sad that I can have it with me when I resign from this company.

But, it can motivate me so I can bought it for myself.

Geli

Ada kejadian yang menggelikan hari ini dan tidak disangka tapi bisa membuat aku tersenyum lebar.

Kita ada janji tuk foto wisuda hari ini. Lumayan excited dimana aku juga foto bareng pakai toga dengan Yohan. Moment yang udah aku tunggu lama. Udah gitu pakai acara make up pula. Oww kapan lagi bisa jadi cuaaantik! (Selama ini udah cantik kok tapi boleh kan sekali-kali jadi cuaaantik?!)

Sebelum foto,kita bakal brunch ala chinese a.k.a dim sum. So aku dijemput agak pagian. Ga dinyana ga disangka,waktu dijemput ada tamu agung datang! Mama e Yohan bertamu! Woot! Langka! Orang rumah jadi binung. Papa yang binung beresin barang2. Mama yang binung cepet2 mandi (lagi sibuk masak). En aku juga ikutan binung (belum pernah didatengi camer sebelum e). Ini pertemuan camer and pama tuk pertama kali e. Jadi geli kalo inget. Tapi aku hepi! Hepi soro! Ga bakal lupa deh.

What a day that I have today. A wonderful day.

Pepper lunch

Finally ..... I can taste Pepper Lunch. Looking at the menu (woot), errr .... expensive.

But I made up my mind. I took Pepper steak. Look at it at the first time, I can't hardly wait to eat it...........

I never eat kecambah before, and as you can see their kecambah are big. But in this menu, I ate them all.



What a miracle?! Hahahhahahha

It's just another new experience with new resto and food.

My chubby's bday

I quite confused what should I give to him as a bday gift, since all he wanted for now is E71. Thou I'm willing to buy it for him but it's so damn hard to afford it. (sorry honey).

Then I planned something for him, surprise!. Not a real gift, but a real moment to cherish it together. The bday moment that he really wanted. Ever. Intimate, special and only us.

It started by texting him. Congratulated him. Pray for him. Then enjoyed Pepper Lunch together. It's about time to finally take me there. Hahahaha. Since it's too expensive. A little bit confused at choosing what we wanted to eat. All the prices are above 60K. Woot.

Since the line is getting longer, we finally made up our mind. I ate Pepper steak and he ate Cut and Hamburger steak. Since it was our first time, we got help from the waitress. It's very nice of her. Oh.....silly! Shame on you, hon!

Like always, I took the pics before I eat it. Just want to remember how it looks at the first time. The taste is so damn great. Yummy. Delicious. Hao Che. Enak gila. Now I can understand why it's so expensive! Coz the taste is great! (Slurp .... I can still feel the meat in my mouth while I'm writing this down)

After finished, we had chit chat for a while. From there, I realized how much I love him and want to be with him forever. Definitely will say yes if he popped the question.

Then I asked him to GM. I told him that Starbuck has promo and only available at GM. The real is I planned the surprise there.

We ordered Hot Caramel Machiato, Mango with Vanilla syrup and Cheese quiche. We sat at our fav table and I asked him to close his eyes. I put a candle in our quiche and lighted it on. I sang a happy bday song and asked him to open his eyes. Love his face that time. I will be grateful if I can have another round of that time. Then he blew the candle and one of my surprise didn't work. The candle didn't relight. It didn't!!!!!! Argh..... it screwed up everything. But he laughed. He didn't disappointed. He thinks it's funny. My face at that time is really entertaining for him. Stupid me! I forgot to read the instruction.


After all, last night is the best bday ever. He loves it and happy. Glad to know it. At least I did it. Gave THE moment to him as his bday gift.

What happened tonight will be in our heart forever and hopefully we can be happier and stronger as a couple.

"Happy bday, baobei. God sent you as a gift for me. Love you always"

Save your own ass

Last night I went home late. I had to finish setting my room at new office. So I was waiting for installment and assembly of my office table. Quite vusy till I couldn't plurking by phone (It's a good therapy, isn't it?)

Since it's been 2 years having this renovation so I quite forgot with things inside my room. The details actually. What I used to have in my room. All I can remember are main table, filling cabinet, drawers. That's it. Guess so.

I found out that the bolts are missing. Bolt for drawers and cupboard. Damn!I uninstalled them by my own & I perfectly remembered that I already saved the bolts. They're gone when I tried to re-install them once again. How come?! Magic?!

This moving in - moving out really got me. Kedungcowek-Manyar-Kedungcowek. So all these damn things been moved twice. SO lucky that my stuff not as much as the finance, marketing and engineering divisions. But still got me dizzy.

They also lost their bolts & other stuff. So to avoid Devil's anger thay bought the bolts themselves. Since they bought their own, they're so possesive. They only cover their own lost (I also have to buy the missing bolts by my own). Then I realised all people (in this office) are trying to save their own asses. Woot. Before we had this office setting, we're like good friend for each others. Share food, laugh together & suddenly we're just like enemies for each others.

Seem no good people in this fucking wild office. Indeed.

Gotta go sooner!!!!

Hate this kind of friend

Finally I got my bakso jagalan last Thursday. Full portion. Hehehe. Starving.

Then suddenly I saw a face that bothers me so bad until today.

She's my elementary friend. Not that I don't want to say hello by I had my trauma. At high school, I saw her after 3 years I didn't meet her. Since I had my junior high at malang. I came to her and said hello. Until today I still can remember her lines.

"Hi ..... A ya?"
"Lu sapa?"
"Lho aku Mela, temen SD dulu, sering maen bareng kok"
"Hm .... ga tau, ga kenal"

WTF?!!!! She left me with this anger.

Start that day, I forbid my self to get close with her including tonight. I really hate that kind of person.

Just remembered that I used to fight for a boy with her.

Hahaha ... ada anak SD wes pinter pacaran.

The It Time

19th March is something for me. Finally I found the right time to talk to him. Quite nervous at the first time. Worried that I couldn't find the moment.

Actually he pissed me off that day, since he forbid us to go home before everything are done in setting up the office. It almost 6 pm (I guessed) and I had nothing to do so I asked his permission to go home. He let me. At the basement (woot, this is the 1st time I had office with basement), I didn't directly go home. Had little chit chat wih my warehouse guys. Then suddenly his driver started his engine, followed by him went down to us & I got this voice inside my head. Said "this is the moment".

I started the conversation by giving him compliments for his masterpiece (all the details this renovation are his ideas) & then I popped the questions.

First question was asking permission for skip the day work for yohan's graduation and he approved it. Second one, the It question about my resign. I said that I had to follow yohan back to donggala.

His first argument was asking the wedding date. He told me that I shouldn't go to donggala if yohan hasn't proposed me yet.

He gaves me lots of advices (sounds arguments & objections to me). But I rest my case, I told him "Harga mati, Pak". He said ok, but still he asked me to reconsider these 4 months.

He shared about life after marriage and what should women do to their husbands. Lots of facts & some stories he shared made me feel that he's just another lonely guy. He doesn't quite happy with his life. He's not that mean. Ouch, what happen to me? He intimidates me again. He's really good in that. Always twisting the facts.

He also can defend himself when I informed him about his anger and "unstable" behaviours. Hahaha, it's so him.

I must thank him for he ever gave to me (including all his emotions). All these lessons & spirits.

"Thank you .... hopefully I don't have to see you again"

Slumdog Millionaire - love story

Finally I can watch this movie. Yohan told me long time but never pass me the DVD *sigh*

For me, this is a love story. New kind of love story. Jamal Malik is looking for his first love, Latika and to find her, he joined the "Who wants to be millionaire". Since he knew Latika loves the show.


He can answer all the questions so people think he's cheating. Since he's not genius, just an orphan from Mumbai's slum.

He got all the answers from all the experiences he had in life. Finally he can find her.

Most Indian movies contain singing and dancing which I couldn't find them in this movie. Mr Boyle really sure can bring each stories trough the questions. I really loves the way he put the plots.


Cast : I only knew the Anil Kapoor, since he's familiar.
Scene : I just realized that India is so poor. You can see how slum they are.
Storyboard : New kind of love story. "It's our destiny" said Jamal to Latika

Overall : best Indian movie ever.

Chit Chat with my courier guy

Yesterday had nothing much happened. Just visited to custom, asked about the new procedures of importing tubes and pipes. On the way there, I had quite heavy conversation with my courier. He works here at my office as a courier guy. He goes to banks, goes to customs, does the delivery documents and stuffs. He married already and has 3 children.

For me his life is quite difficult, but he never complains. He told me that you have to ENJOY this life. I caps it since he really said ENJOY. Hahaha. He said life is like "mampir ngombe". We only stop by just for a drink. So don't think too much, just enjoy it, since it's only for drinking.

Nice chit chat thou.

Then after got back from custom, we've been told to clean and mop the floor (again). What the hell????!!!!! I'm confused with this kind of office and it's management.

I really wish I can get away from this office. Since for me, it's a hell.

*fiuh*

Underworld - Rise of the Lycans ...

At first, I had no intention to watch this movie since there's no Kate Beckinsale on it. I thought there's role replacement. Her role given to someone else. I was wrong.

This movie is prequel of Underworld and Underworld : Evolution. It's giving us the answer of feud between Vampires and Lycans.

Victor has a daughter named Sonja (I thought she's a character that Kate used to play, after recheck I found out that Kate's role is Selene). She fells in love with Lucian. Lucian only Victor's guardian werewolf.

Tired being slave, Lucian lead the war against Vampires. Victor's anger to Sonja provoked him. The climax is when Sonja got burned to death (this scene is really confused me since I kept thinking that Sonja is Kate). Lycans got their victory and it's just the beginning.

At the end of the movie, there Kate on Underworld and I DID found my answer. Stupid me *doh*

Lucky me, Yohan took me to watch, otherwise I will have wrong perception in mind.

Cast : still Michael Sheen and Bill Nighy.
Scene : still dark (since it's underworld theme) But I do like the making love scene. It's an for me *drooling*
Storyboard : more deep information about what's going between Vampires and Lycans.

Overall : miss underworld? Watch this one.

My imaginary world

Been realised something and it feels so damn hurt. Wish never feel it. Ever.

Been lied to my self in getting my happiness. Guess I still live in my imaginary world and when everything didn't go as my plan, I torn apart.

I'm not as tough as I thought. I just wish I can cry out loud and don't have to be ashamed of it. Just want people know that I'm hurt.

All inside me like missing puzzle now and I'm disable to put them back together again as one.

Want to walk away and not to think abouit it. Just enjoy the complexity of me and wish no one care.

Defiance - another movie of Daniel Craig

Honestly I want to watch this movie because there's Daniel Craig on it. I just want to know him with different character of James Bond.

For me, he played the role very good. There's no image of Bond there. It's really true the character that he played on that movie as Tuvia Bielski

Since this is movie about running away from Germany troops and defiance of one family, the Bielski's, I'm not that in to the movie. The story goes too slow for me. Boring.

Cast : Daniel Craig is enough for me to watch this and he never fails me.
Story : too long and too slow for me
Scene : nice scenes, the director surely take the right angles

Overall : if you like this kind of movie, then go ahead.

Quarantine - Not movie I like to watch at Theater

Quarantine, pertama kali liat trailer nya sih keliatan bagus and seru gitu. Sekilas kaya Resident Evil, 28 days later, 28 weeks later, Dawn of the Dead. Same shit, different characters.

Luckily my bf bought the DVD for us and it's quite good quality. I never like to watch DVD since it always error disc at my place. So dislike DVD. I forced to watch it cause it takes long time to be in theater.

At the first time, it's bored enough since only talked about life in fire department with no actions at all. There's tv crew, one reporter and one camera man. They follow them to one apartment down town. There's something wrong with one person there. Then suddenly that apartment was being blocked and got quarantine from outside world. They contained with rabies. Heavy one.

There's no solution on this movie, no explanation too. So we have to figure out ourselves what the heck is going on there.

Cast : average actors.
Scenes : dizzy since they took the movie from moving camera
Story : like I said before, shame shit different characters.
Overall : no suggestion to watch it on theater.

Bank Job - review

I watched Bank Job starred with Jason Statham and other British actors. I'm a fan of Jason. I tried to watch all his movie.

This one is telling us about a bank robbery to steal something precious for The Royal Family. Based on a true story and also all of them are amateur villains. Quite thrill for me.

Therry (Jason Statham) is an ex bad guy and tries to live in a good way. When the bussiness doesn't seem go well, there's a job for rob a bank. At first, Therry thought there are lots of jewels and money inside the bank, but there is most precious one. They got the money and jewels but also they opened the "Pandora's box". They knew a huge secret and lots of parties are looking after him. The mob, the dirty cops, the MI- even the royal and prime minister.

The process entering the bank is thrilling for me. Can't wait to see what happen next.

Overall, I like this movie. Jason did a very good job. He doesn't have to take off his cloth this time.

Those memories will last forever

I'm hearing the album of Paula DeAnda. The singer that someone recommended to me. I heard it just because he asked me to. Luckily I'm enjoying that. Her music, her voice are quite nice that makes me keep turning her every time I'm in a bad mood. It was 1 year ago but still those memories coming back to me. I can perfectly picture all those memories on each songs.

Lots of memories for little time. But still ... they last forever in my mind.

Loving you is my privileges. But I really have to let it go. Have to walk away, but I'm gonna remember you always.

"I can't explain this feeling, I think about it everyday and even now I'd moved on, it gets so hard to walk away"

Love you always

7th March 2009

Today is Saturday. It should be a free-work day but not today since our office is under renovation and our boss insisted to get done before next Tuesday. So today we did some "extra" jobs. We whisked and mopped the floors to clean all the dust. It's quite fun actually but I didn't like if my boss around. Since he became little bit annoying. So damn tired. I never did that before at home and now I did it at my office. Wow ....

Before the cleaning activities, we took a quite funny pic. It was my idea.



Hahahaha. I will put it as my wallpaper.

Also the next pic is dark cloud viewed from our 3rd stores window.

Movie - to - watch list

The following are movies I would like to watch (they are in random orders) :

1. Confessions of Shopaholic
2. The curious case of Benjamin Button
3. Changeling
4. The quarantine
5. Marley & Me
6. Push
7. The Strangers
8. Vicky Christina Barcelona
9. Righteous Kill
10. Defiance
11. Valkyrie
12. Doomsday
13. Revolutionary Road
14. The Passengers
15. Transformers : Revenge of the fallen
16. GI JOE
17. Terminator Salvation
18. The International
19. Angels and Demons
20. Harry Potter
21. House Bunny

Get married

My little sister is getting married soon. She asked me last night, is it ok for me if she and her boyfriend would like to get married this year. It shocked me for a while, gave me like 10 secs before I answered "Yes, it's fine".

But why I cried last night and this heart felt so hurt. I guess I can't take the reality that my sister will get married soon.

Silly

Ash Wednesday

Today is an Ash Wednesday … the day to start the 40days atonement before Easter. We called it Pre-Easter. For 40 days, we are fasting and doing prohibition. But the important thing is our humble heart in doing it. Our J doesn’t need our fasting and prohibitions, He needs our heart through the process. So we can learn to be humble and try not to make our sins going larger.

For me, this moment is like another chance to be J’s good girl. He gives me another opportunities to win His heart once again. So hopefully I can do better this year since I never had the full fasting and prohibitions.

It’s gonna be hard since I’m quick-hungry person. Hahahaha. But I will do everything as long as J is in my side and hold my hand. I can do it. .Jia you.

Me, she and him ...

Being the eldest in the family is not like the privileges that I wanted. But I couldn't choose. I have 1 little sister and 1 little brother. The youngest one is 13 years younger than me and he's the only son, so it's like a little king in the house.

I'm not envy him, it just all the mistakes that he has done, always put my neck on the line. My dad always put him on my responsible. At some ages, I think it's OK. But until now, my dad still put the responsible on me. He's already 15 years old now. I think he already knew good and bad things, and the things or decision he ever taken are his responsible.

Also my sister, she never let me be the big sister. She always handle the problems, always think forward. I guess she should be the big sister instead of me.

This morning, my mom will fly to Balikpapan, for work and she told me to take care the house and my sist and my bro. Guess I will have a chance to be big sister in the house (again)

Mall and fashion show

This Saturday I went to TP since my friends wanted us to meet her there. Actually I wasn't that excited to go to TP on Saturday night since it will be difficult to find the parking and lots of people will go there since TP is in the center of Surabaya.

And I was right .... like I always be .... it still 8 o'clock in the evening, but TP already crowded with lots of people from different types. What bothering me most is the way they look, their style option for hang out at TP. For me it's too over since the way you wear like you want to go the club and get drunk. Wow.

I guess these people showed off. TP is a mall but for some people, mall is a fashion show stage.

That's why I'd rather go to GM instead of TP. Not comfy and the rest rooms are not that clean and we have to pay first. *sigh*

What Bestfriend is supposed to mean?

For me bestfriend is everything, more than my family since I wasn't that close with my family. More than my boyfriend (before I met Yohan, of course). Thou I'm being with Yohan, I still find a way and time to hang out with my BFF I share everything with my BFF. My happiness, my sadness, my dreams, my angers, my sense of being funny. Bottom line is I love my BFF.

Last Saturday we had a triple dates. Me with Yohan, my BFF, Sari with her "male friend" (I'm writing this since I still have no boyfriend notification from her) and my college friend, Vera with her boyfriend.

I've heard about her "male friend" several times, but she always make me think that they are friends. But what I see last Saturday, it's not a friend bond for me. You will not have a shared drink with your "male friend". You will not feel comfy if he touched your shoulder at photo section and you will not holding hands with you "male friend".

I'm shocked but I didn't want to ruin that nite, since it was for Vera. Vera was visiting us and having fun.

I have no problem whether that "male friend" is not chinese or has a different religion with you, but at least she can share me something or tell me that he is her boyfriend.

I thought she was different with my ex BFF. She also did the same thing a long time ago. She used to say that she need no man to be with, but after she found a guy who want to be with her, she forgot everything, including her BFFs. And I will not forgive her for that. Never!

I guess I'm expecting too much from her. As long as she's happy, it's fine by me.

But for now on, I will not put large expectation for someone else since it's damn hurt ......

Guess, I already missed the meaning of having bestfriend or bestfriend it self.

Missing you

Lately I never had a proper conversation with my dad. For it kinda strange, since I'm closer to my dad than my mom. All the conversations always end up with a arguer and sometimes a fight. He's changed. He's not like the fun dad I've known before. He keep talking about marriages and I hate to hear that. Useless and pointless.

I really wish he could understand me like he always did before. At this point I really wish I'm not the elder in the family. I don't want to be a first daughter. I didn't choose it.

I love my dad and keep trying to be his best daughter he ever had. But sometime, he has to realize that I'm not that good. I'm Me and don't want to be anyone else.

Miss the old you, pa.

My old fren n his advices ...

I got a call from my old friend last nite. We rarely had conversation lately. Since both of us are busy .... (cie). Like usual we asked about our present condition and how's life on our opinion. Then suddenly he popped out a question. A question that I was thinking about last year and still get no answer. And he brought it back right in front of my cute face.

After the call I couldn't sleep even I want to since I was sleepy last nite. I keep thinking about what he said. Then I (just) realised that he's a complicated person. He is a think-then-do person and I'm do-then-think kind of person. And I hate him for that, since he always corrects me. For me, such an acne in my face.

But the main problem is not him, it's me. I still have no answer for that question and at some point he made me become unsteady with the decision I already made. But I guess, he just want to best for me. Maybe, he got a crush on me *wink wink*

Bottom line is I should find the answer ASAP and let's hope it's the right one. He suggested to have A MOMENT ( I caps it since he pressed the word while we're talking last nite) with J. Pray and seek what J want me to find. It's gonna be hard to do. Since my relationship with J is not that firm lately. That's why I asked him to pray for me and tell my what is the answer. Hahahaha ..... since he's quite close with J. I think he's one of J's fav son.

Just now he sent me a text, insisted me to get the moment and try not to run away from life. Since life is teaching you about everything and making you to be a great person indeed, just like J want to.

J bless me .... Ameen ....

16th February 2009

What a day today? So many anger. I'm so damn rage today.

Kerjaan benernya udah beres, semua di tangan custom. I can't do anything accept waiting n praying. Tapi kesannya dia g mau peduli, dia mau tau beres. Ga mau bayar sewa gudang yg banyak (itupun krn kesalahan kalkulasi dia). Seharusnya dia tau betul cara kerja custom krn dia udah lama di bidang ini. Tapi napa kesannya g mau tau. Udah gt ngomongnya g etis di istilah perkantoran.

I didn't hate the job, I hate him.

Arghh..... membulatkan tekad tuk resign after this project. Biar ga ada tanggungan.

My family is an old-fashioned Chinese family. I'm the eldest on that family. My dad is expecting me to get married soonest. I did mentioned to him that I would like to have my career first. He wasn't happy with that. Since my sista's boyfriend is going to propose her soon and she won't be able to get married if I'm not doing it before her. The pressure is on.

I do like to get married soon but I need my and me personal time first. Also it's not that easy getting hitched and settle down. Lots of things to reconsider, remembering that there will be 2 big families involve.

I want to get married because I want to not because I have to. Also I'm still afraid of life after marriage. For me is a giant step to make.

I really wish my dad can understand about it.

Candle Light Dinner & Valentine

Today is Valentine's day. Lost of couples, mostly, will celebrate valentine with candle light dinner. Since it's romantic and suits the event.

I was having dinner at steak restaurant with my boyfriend and his sista. At the first time, there weren't lots of people dine in. But after 5.30-6.00 lots of people were coming and mostly are couples. Then situation become very crowded. So noisy for me and I couldn't enjoy my steak.

While I was paying attention to them, something crossed my mind. Is it romantic? Is it candle light dinner that we really wanted? For me, it's not. The essence of romance is missing. Even the waitress shares us roses and chocos but still I didn't get the feeling. Lucky I was not celebrating valentine, so it's fine by me.

For me, you don't have to wait the valentine day to have a candle light dinner. You can have your own candle light dinner, in your own valentine day. It's more romantic to have it without people from around the world celebrate it. It's more personal. Personal is romantic.

So .... every day is valentine day ... and you can have your candle light dinner every nights ... hahaha .....

Tips from me if you insist to have a candle light dinner on valentine day : just find a really private place to have it , eg : cemetery.